of age and engagements

hello world. Its been awhile. I have been extremely remiss in my blogging and HNT duties. And I do have reasons. Lots of reasons. I could go on and on about them. But I will only center on one. I do have to warn you though. Its a very very vain reason. But I am human, and humans will be humans, as is expected of us.

I just turned 29 recently. And though it doesnt show to my closest friends/ acquaintances/ mi amore/ my family, I am feeling the time crunch even more so than before. All that I planned for, all that I scheduled my life for, 4 years ago when I finally graduated from university, did not come true. To review:

Four years ago:
1.) be a successful curator/ assistant curator at a prestigious museum before 30
2.) establish and be growing a nicely well-funded and well-invested nest egg
3.) be in a fruitful and wonderful relationship (with marriage on the near future)
4.) be working on an MA/ Phd program
5.) be a fluent Spanish/ Russian/ Chinese Mandarin speaker


Instead, because of life decisions such as choosing the wrong life partner (my ex), which lead to financial morass (credit card debt accrued bec. of ex), and which led to me re-starting my whole life again, I. AM. NOWHERE. NEAR. MY. GOALS.

Cases in point:

I see my younger cousin (who admired me for my art sensibilities), now engaged to a Frenchman, enjoying her job as cultural attache to the French Fashion division of the French embassy, and definitely living her life.

I see one of my best friends (who swore never ever to get married), marry her life partner in a beautiful temple in the mountains of Tibet, and a year later, giving birth to a beautiful baby girl (all these while she was working on her PhD)

I see newly-made friends (two couples) who just started dating four months ago, and are now engaged and planning their wedding in august.

I see my younger sister happily married with her adorable baby and almost finishing her internship in medicine, and going on to her residency.

I am SO jealous, SO angry at their personal happiness and success and SO mad at myself for even envying them their life. I am happy for them, but then again, I am not happy for them, as they are all younger than me, and are right on track.

And I? what have I accomplished? what have I done to make a difference in the world? People tell me that I have a great voice and a talent for writing songs. But due to my laziness/ fear of rejection/ stage fright, I have yet to go out there in the jungles of open mics to try myself before the forces of creativity. I tell people that I dream of being a world-class curator, of running my own museum / galleries. But due to again, laziness/ unfortunate circumstances, I am training to be a docent (aka glorified tour guide) to a local small museum. Because of the recession and job security, I am reduced to managing a small marketing organization for life insurance and annuities ( a dead-end job if there ever was one). My only consolation is mi amore ( who, unfortunately, has reservations about the ritual of marriage, so goodbye to that idea).

I am getting old. And getting nowhere. I should be optimistic and say, well I have a new life now. I have a job when millions don't, and I have amazing family and friends. But that is not enough for me. I believed I was going to be somebody before I turned 30.

what now? what then? this useless life is not even worth surviving. so goodbye blogworld. for now.